spotlight

and in a heartbeat, the dream began again.

Darkness. I can hear my breath, but is it mine really? I look down, but I can’t see my body through the blackness.

Suddenly, a thump, a spotlight, a blinding light. Only a few paces away. Curious, I walk towards it.

Tenderly, I place my foot into the light. Another thump, another spotlight, another step away.

I take another step. It repeats. Another thump, another spotlight, another step away.

Again and again, the thumps no longer unknown. A heartbeat. A pace for me to match.

Another thump, another spotlight, another step away. Another thump, another spotlight, another step away.

Slowly, it speeds up.

A pulse, a spotlight, a step. A pulse, a spotlight, a step. A pulse, a spotlight, a step.

Again, and again, and again.

I’m running, I can hear my breath. It’s laboured, but I don’t feel any pain. I feel nothing, I see nothing, other than the spotlight, illuminating the darkness.

I feel this need to reach it. I fear the darkness. I fear that which consumes me.

A pulse, a spotlight, a step. A pulse, a spotlight, a step. A pulse, a spotlight, a step.

The spotlight is getting bigger, and the time between is getting smaller. I feel smaller, so grand underneath the light.

A pulse, a spotlight, a step. A pulse, a spotlight, a step. A pulse, a spotlight, a step.

It’s slipping away from me. No longer shining on me, always one step ahead.

A pulse, a spotlight, a step. A pulse, a spotlight, a step. A pulse, a spotlight, a missed step.

I’m behind. So small compared to the light. My breathing is uneven, the heartbeat ever steady.

A pulse, a spotlight, a step behind. A pulse, a spotlight, a step behind. A pulse, a spotlight, a step behind.

I can’t. I’m not enough. the breathing gets louder, like waves static in my ears. The heartbeat is so loud.

A pulse, a spotlight, a step behind. A pulse, a spotlight, a step behind.

My legs keep moving without me.

A pulse, a spotlight, a step behind.

I can’t breathe.

A pulse, a spotlight, a step...

I can’t...

.

I can’t breathe.

Light streams in through the gap in my blinds, flapping rhythmically in the breeze. I bring my hands to my chest, my heart beating quickly - pounding in my chest. My radio plays only static, the antenna knocked over by the blinds.

One breath in, one breath out.

Slow my heartbeat.

It’s just a dream.

It’s just a dream.

It’s just a dream,

---

It was all just a dream for me. This is actually one of the only dreams I remember having¹, except its more like a recurring nightmare. I’ve only ever had it twice, both times I was sick with a fever for about a week and woke up both times even more sick. I haven’t had this dream since I was 9 years old, and the first time I had it I was only 7. I used to be afraid of a lot before I had this dream, but after that I kinda stopped fearing much. Even now, this dream is the only thing is the only thing that can actually scare me.

It feels so real in all the wrong ways. My breathing, the sound of the spotlight clicking on, the thumping of the heart that I could never tell whose it was. My worst fears of being left behind, of trying my best but still not being enough, it’s inevitable that I won’t be enough. I will fail. And every time I wake up from it, I fear going to sleep again. I fear myself, I fear my mind and the things it will do to me. That’s why I wrote this to be kinda cyclical, because even all these years later, this dream still terrifies me. All these years later, it only gets more scary. The fear never ends. The terror of falling behind never ends. This dream’s hold on me will never end.

1. the other dream/nightmare I actually remember having was me being chased by a murderous talking hippo who was responsible for killing everyone I loved. I ran, and I ran, but yet it hunted me. Eventually, I couldn’t run anymore. I was tired of living like this. Instead, I found it in me to confront it. We yelled, and then we talked, and as I listened to its story, all the hatred I had faded away. In the end, it was just as scared as me. Just as hurt as me.

The dream ended with me and the hippo sitting on the curb covered in blood it had spilt, watching the sun set in quiet company. I knew that the hippo understood me, and in that moment, I understood it. We both knew the moment wouldn’t last, for when the sun disappeared, the police would come, and the hippo would die. But in that moment, we weren’t alone anymore, and the sky stretched endlessly on.

I had this dream when I was 6.